Deadlock: How to be the most useless person on the team

Steam Community guide by Poop.

Introduction

In this guide I will tell you the secrets of how to be the best player on your team, how to carry, how to be insanely good and have people compliment u on mic. This guide explains 95% of the player base their gameplay which is good to follow closely so youc an learn how to be really good and get ready for pro in the future.
Please view below the success this guide will bring you

1. laning

at the start of the game you are put on a lane with someone else. This is when u collect souls and try to get their guardian (the giant thing with the torch).
When someone asks you to switch lanes at the beginning a big glowingh icon of a letter will glow under their icon. NEVER CLICK ON IT!! you decide how YOU play your game. If they start begging on VC tell them to shut the ♥♥♥♥ up. They don't know better than you.
when you are laning never click on the red orbs, and try to fight in front of your creeps (the little guys with the candles). You are the hero of the game and will carry and if you die its not your fault it just means your team mate on the lane was a ♥♥♥♥♥ and didn't want to center their gameplay around you (the carry).
Always remember to never get abilities that counter the hero in front of u or that is applicable to the situation. It is not in your epic pro streamer build then it is USELESS!!! follow ur build EXACTLY like it states
Save up for extreme fire abilities like inhibitor or curse or pristine emblem. All the abilities that are 500 souls SUCK ASS you should never get them with the new souls ur getting. all abilities that are 500 souls suck ass
If anything never focus on the creeps, like I said if you want to be the most useless person on the team just fight in front of your creeps, hunt people down that are full health and do not listen to ur duo. Again you shape your own future.
And again never listen to your duo. NEVER. Even when they are pleading with you and begging. Never give in. YOU decide what you do.
Oke lets get to the next chapter:
Communication

2. Communication

Communication is sadly a part of this game so you have to interact with people who know less than you and are less intellectual and good at the game.

Here are some useful tips:

1. Make sure you always scream into the mic for help
2. When you die make sure everyone knows by screaming "Where was everyone".
3. Always say something when you die. Never be silent.

How:

• Press T on your keyboard (depends on your settings)
  Sometimes your stupid team mate will try to convince you to pick an ability or to play a certain way. Here is a simulation of what you can do:
  In this situation you are the Talon.
  You are Laning with a lash and you are low on health and constantly getting back to base.
  Lash: Talon can you please get healing rite
  You: Shut your ******* mouth ******
  You: ******
  Always make sure you let others know you either don't care, don't want to sweat or that you know better.
  If someone tells you to stop feeding or running in, just parrot them when they die.
• Make sure you always teabag even when you have 0/8/0 or behind on souls.
• Never and I mean never say anything nice. Even when you get a kill. Even when you win. NEVER show weakness.
  TIP:
  If they are Russian, talk about how this might be their last game (due to the war). If its a woman in com make sure you remind her she's a woman. If the other player has more souls than you and giving you critique, make sure you call him unemployed or a sweat.
  There is no other way to make people believe and convince them that you have the biggest ♥♥♥♥ in your party by being a complete disabled nuisance to them and grief the game
  Always make sure everyone in your team hates you and act as insecure as possible

3. team fighting

Team fighting is important as it changes the course of action in your game.

*1

pro tips

1. Always fight the guy with the most souls.
   How:
   Just press W and press left click.
2. Use all your abilities
   Just mash out all your abilities and do not care about coordinating it with the others. If you die for this it's your teams fault. They should coordinate with you
3. go really far into the side of their map for no reason.
   Never be located near your team
4. Farm
   If there is a team fight happening 2 meters away from you just farm souls for the cool 6k item you want because you're going to carry with it
5. Push
   Always just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ push into their base, REALLY DEEP. You dont need the creeps in your side. Hyunt down that holliday thats 2 health I swear you can get her even if she gets into her base

PRO DEADLOCK TIP:

Always walk away from your team mate when they enter a fight. ♥♥♥♥ them hoes
*1 = Your team mates face once you follow these rules perfectly

5. Urn & Mid Boss

URN

Picking up the urn can make you the hero of the game. Nobody needs to disagree with you or agree when and how. You decide your own fate. Just pick it up whenever you want to.

1. Pick up the urn and don't tell anyone. Before or after.
   1.a make sure if you fail you scream "why nobody help me"
2. Only pick up the urn when nobody on the other team has died and ur missing some team mates
3. ALWAYS pick up the urn when the others on YOUR team are dead.
4. Never deny or confirm the souls if you do. That is not your job. You already did enough. Just walk away
5. Drop it near the spot and run away so your enemies can have it because you hate your team
   When the enemy has the urn do the following:
6. Ignore it.
7. Keep perma farming.

Mid Boss

As the divine narcissist of the team it should always be on your shoulders to make calls (only if you feel like it, your team mates should b e able to use telepathy to know what you want to do without you lifting a finger in most cases)
Make calls to do midboss in the following situation (more than one reason can be applied):

1. Everyone in your team is dead
2. The other team has a soul lead
3. The lanes are pushed in their favor
   If your team doesn't listen to you when you do these calls they are bad and not good at the game (like you). If they do and you lose its because they couldn't do a team fight.
   PRO DEADLOCK TIP:
   If you are fighting people near the bridge (where the midboss takes place) run to your team that is doing the midboss. Under no circumstances should you be used as a distraction. So run back to your team so they can save you.

Special: Bot Gameplay

How to play like a chinese bot:

1. Perma farm
2. Always run into the other team.
3. If you're alone always run into the other team.
4. Push lane with no creeps
5. Keep going back to base during laning phase. Never invest in healing rite
6. NEVER DENY!!! NEVER CONFIRM!!!!
7. Clear wave instantly
8. Always adhere to ur exact build never counter pick abilities
9. RRun into haze or seven ult ALWAYSS and just keep shooting them
10. never learn to parry useless mechanic fr

6. The Useless player prayer

Here is a really good prayer y ou can repeat to yourself in the mirror every day or when things get heated:
"
I am the best. Every victory is mine,
And every loss, the fault of my redard teammates.
I am flawless, strategies unmatched,
When I fail, it’s lag or misclicks, not my skill.
Grant me patience to carry these fools,
And credit for all the wins,
For I am the reason this match is worth playing.
Amen."

7. ganking

Honeslty im kinda getting bored writing this its not funny anymore ♥♥♥♥ you if you play like this i genuinely can't believe some of you have over 300 hours in this game and still think you can 1v1 a haze with a 20+k soul diff from you. I genuinely hate you so much there must be like a psychological reason why you think feeding non stop is a good idea. Like are you fr. Every 3 games I have someone who is drooling all over themselves running in and screaming and dying. i GENUINELy hate you. I genuinely ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate you

8. finishing on them

tgere are 2 thing you can do:
win:
When you win the game its because of YOU. nobody else. YOU PULLED THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. say gg ez
2. teabag
3. scream at your teammates and remind them of their mistakes (like not assisting you while you were feeding or being a bot)
   when you lose:
4. Make sure you say slurs to your teammates
5. pick the guy with the most deaths (that isnt you) do not look at their assists or kills. Even if they have like 16 assists and 4 deaths. They have 4 deaths. Make sure you remind them of that.
6. Add them on steam and send them a heartfelt message

ending it and special thanks

thanks for reading this
special thanks to:
the haze with 11k souls 25 minutes in that kept feeding
the mcginnes that couldnt take normal helpful feedback like "come play behind me, watch out" and started screaming in the mic how we all suck
the bebop[ who killed 1 guy with his ult and then said hell yea you guys getting carried by me after getting stomped by 3 people back to back 1/14/0 btw
the lash that kept ulting on the floor and got nobody
the lash that ulted all the guys out of OUR base to the exit so they could leave
the kelvin that globed us inside the most fed sevens ult then blamed us forr it
the 3 redards from ireland that thought they were playing overwatch. 0 obj damage. 0 kills. then telling the 14/1/6 seven to stop feeding because he asked them to stop feeding
the most farmed mirage that was farming 2 meters away from a team fight we couldve won if he joined
& thank you to the russian player base